Release Your Gifts

This post is not about sharing your talents with the world, although that is a worthy topic.

Instead, I want to discuss the expectations we tend to attach to our gifts and the guilt that sometimes comes along with receiving gifts from others.

While helping others declutter, I often notice how reluctant people are to get rid of gifts, especially those given by relatives or that cost a lot of money.  Most of us are unsure what to do with these types of items.  Such gifts are not used and take up valuable space without adding any value to our lives.  In some cases, we cautiously re-gift or donate, hoping someone will be able to make good use of it.  But no matter the course of action, a pang of guilt usually comes along for the ride.

How do we make it go away?

Many times our guilt is self-imposed and unfounded.  We hold onto things because we want to spare the giver’s feelings and honor the resources they invested in the gift.  Sure, any giver would be delighted to know their gifts are of use.  But their goal was most likely to bless, to outwardly express their love and care.

Then there are those occasions when someone asks about the gift.  “I never see that _______ I got for you last year.  Where is it?” or “How come I never see you wear the ______ I got you?”  This scenario is one reason we are so resistant to get rid of gifts.

Maybe we should meditate on what it means to give.  

By definition, to give means 'to freely transfer the possession of something to someone.’  But do we really do this?  

True gifts do not have expectations attached to them.  True gifts are not bribes.  Once a gift is given, it is no longer attached to us and becomes the property of whom it was gifted.  The receiver now has the freedom to do whatever they wish with their gift.  No more guilt.

This is the hard part.  Especially when money, time, and energy are spent preparing a gift for someone, only to see that gift never used or go the trash can.

I do not always practice true giving.  In the past, I placed too much value on what people did with the gifts I gave them.  I equated my value with how useful or thoughtful a gift was to someone.  

And I was wrong.

I believe we need to adjust our thinking.  Yes, we do want our gifts to be meaningful and useful.  I think the trick is to find joy in the act of giving, not the result of giving.  Giving is an opportunity to share a bit of ourselves with others, willingly choosing to bless someone else instead of ourselves for a change.  If we are still concerned with what happens with our gifts, perhaps we need to reconsider what those gifts are.  Instead of physical possessions, we can focus on giving our time, sharing meals, contributing to worthy causes, and more.

Today, I am challenging myself to become a better giver.  One that has no attachments to their gifts.  One that actually believes it is the thought that counts.  I want to fully release my gifts to their recipients, with no expectations or obligations.  And I hope you do the same.

Why do we keep everything?

Our country is a land of abundance, yet we feel the need to hold onto more than we need.  Our homes expand to meet the increasing demands of our hoard.  We accumulate so much that we are forced to expand to storage units.

Why, oh why, do we keep everything?

Many possible answers come to mind:

  - We think we are wasting good money (or time) spent

  - We feel compelled to fill up empty spaces

  - We think it is easier to store things than finding a way to reuse or recycle it

  - We feel guilty about getting rid of gifts or family hand-me-downs

  - We think it is the only way we can keep memories alive

  - We are not exactly sure what to do with it

  - Just in case

The answers vary for each person.  Some people go through extreme periods of lack and never want to go through that experience again.  Others are emotionally attached to items.  No matter who you are or what your story, it is not always easy to understand why we keep the things we do.

But one thing is for sure, we are really good at lying to ourselves.

We tell ourselves that our reasons for keeping things are valid.  We NEED those things.  We WORKED HARD for those things.  We MUST HAVE those things.  We cannot possibly get rid of those things.

The truth?  Those THINGS are holding our freedom for ransom.  It is true that physical possessions can enhance the quality and ease of our lives, however, they cannot ultimately bring happiness.  When our emotions - happiness, guilt, fear, - are so wrapped up in our belongings, we are ultimately bound to them.  Instead of our stuff serving us, we become servants to our stuff.

We work harder to pay for bigger houses which take more effort to clean and maintain.  We struggle to find peace at home or work because we cannot see past the piles of paper.  Our time, money, and energy goes toward our possessions instead of our passions.  Clutter reigns supreme.

I believe it is time for a new perspective - one where we see the clutter for what it is - a collection of items weighing us down, keeping us from enjoying our spaces, and exhausting our precious resources.

Let us discard past reasons for keeping everything and find our way out of the labyrinth of clutter. Freedom is waiting...

Thankfully Content

It's November.  Enter the season of thanksgiving.  A time for us to search for our treasure chest of blessings and open it up to reveal all the good present in our lives.  Giving thanks is possible in all situations: from rich to poor, young and old, war and peace, life and death.  Thankfulness knows no bounds; it humbly presents itself to us in both big and small moments.  We only need to open our eyes and our hearts to the vastness of possibilities and be grateful to the opportunities afforded to us.  Thankfulness is the precursor to contentment - when we acknowledge and relish how blessed we are, we become more aware of what we do and do not need to make our lives complete.

"We don't need to increase our goods nearly as much as we need to scale down our wants.  Not wanting something is as good as possessing it." - Donald Horban

This season, we want to use the prompt of thanksgiving to reveal what our true needs and wants really are, not what reality shows and consumerism culture tells us they should be. Consciously attack television commercials or retail store sales pitches.  Call them out on their BS.  Remind ourselves that no amount of goods can replace a loved one or represent love.  Be more intentional in our relationships with each other, our family, our friends, and strangers.  Display the love of Christ when it's politically incorrect to do so.

Contentment allows us to appreciate and use what we do have.  When we encounter times of less, contentment helps us to be grateful for what we possess now.  When we acquire more, contentment aids us in sharing our abundance with others.

Even as we try to become more organized, remember that stuff is temporary.  Live life thankfully.

As I think, I am

Goals are important.  They are not just aspirations to attain, but also the generator of habits.  This principle was revealed to me this year, as I tried a different approach to my goal-making.  This past January, I set one goal for various aspects of my life that I wanted to improve - physical health, nutrition/diet, spiritual walk, education - and wrote them on a piece of paper that I posted above my desk.  Each day, I forced myself to see them and as a result, act upon them.  At the end of each month, I took a few minutes to reflect on the progress I made toward the goals, good or bad, and prepared the goal set for February.  Wash, rinse, repeat.  

After reviewing my progress from August, I realized that my goals were doing more than getting me to a milestone, they were creating new routines in my life.  Many of my goals were to be better than I was the previous month, however 'better' was quantified.  My goals uncovered an underlying mission - to be the best person I can be.  Despite its simplicity, this was a great 'ah-ha' moment for me.  I know what kind of person I want to be.  All that is standing in the way of me actually becoming that person is a decision, or a set of decisions, that propel me in that direction.  Those decisions ultimately create habits that work in my favor.

Charles Duhigg, the author of The Power of Habit, concludes that once an individual can master their habits, they can accomplish anything.  (**Highly recommended reading for anyone who wants to understand the mechanics of habits and how to change them.**)  For instance, if you want to become more organized, it's going to take more than a cursory decluttering session and purchasing plastic bins or baskets.  You have to identify the habits that make you dis-organized and change them to ones that maintain organization.  Willpower is a skill that must be exercised. Likewise, discipline is learned and will not come easily.

It's also important to remember there is not one single formula to change all habits - some are easy to change and others are difficult.  (I am mainly speaking to the 21-day routine, which has failed me on numerous occasions.)  The saying "old habits die hard" testifies to our resistance to change.  It's all about making conscious decisions to override the unconscious ones.  And no matter how minute, our choices dictate so much of our lives.  

To make those choices easier, it helps to have a mission.  As we determine the main purpose(s) for our lives, careers, roles and more, we are better able to set goals and procure habits that propel us toward it.  Think back to all those new year's resolutions, those goals to lose/gain/stop/improve whatever was highlighted at the moment.  But life is messy and unpredictable, despite our best laid plans.  Priorities switch, obligations shift, emotions flare up, and motivation tested.  The nature of these unknowns is why many businesses craft a mission statement: as markets and trends change, a company should always know its purpose.  In the midst of all that uncertainty, a mission statement gives DIRECTION and reminds us of why we do what we do.  So, when those inevitable challenges come, we can revise our goals so that we are able to stay on target.  

Decartes famously wrote "I think, therefore I am." But I would amend his quote to this:  "As I think, so I am." Not only do my thoughts confirm my existence, they dictate the parameters of it.  Thoughts become Actions. Actions become Habits. Habits become Character. Character determines who you are.   

Fighting Perfection

My personality errs on the side of perfection through organization.  It is a way for me to get into control of my situation, how I try to find a small piece of ground on which to plant my feet.  If you take a walk inside my mind,  you will find everything compartmentalized and cross-referenced thoroughly.  Miscellaneous categories are forbidden - everything has a place, a purpose, and a plan.  It is the source of pleasure and pain.  Pleasure because I find joy in organizing things and making plans; it brings focus and serenity to me.  On the other hand, my need for perfection requires that I delineate, reinforce the barriers that provide my comfort - and this leads to my limitation.  Within my carefully drawn lines, there is a lack of spontaneity and flexibility.  

Too much of a good thing becomes a bad thing.  It hinders more than it helps.  For this reason, I believe it is important to understand our weaknesses because awareness can mitigate their negative effects.

So, as such, I frequently do exercises to ensure my mind stays open to possibilities.  They are insurance against me sabotaging myself with perfectionism.  Here are three that I use often:

1.  Plan not to plan

Yes, I have to tell myself NOT to plan things.  Hopefully, in that regard, you are luckier than I.  So, unlike my jam-packed college days, I leave open spaces in my schedule for whatever.  When that free time comes, only then do I decide what to do (although I may have a few options at the ready if I draw a blank).  This allows me to have a few moments of unexpected fun or intense focus during the week, depending on whatever I need at the time.

2.  Do "nothing"

In reading Everything That Remains by The Minimalists, the authors mention 'doing nothing' for a few minutes everyday.  In practice, doing nothing looks different to each person; it is an action performed with no end goal or purpose in mind.  For some, it consists of meditation or mindlessly flipping through a book or magazine.  For me, it consists of sitting down in a comfy chair and letting my mind wander for 5 to 10 minutes.  Serendipitously, many answers to problems have arrived during these times.

3.  Play devil's advocate

When I tend to lean heavily toward a certain side of an argument, I try to solidify my position my attacking it, as if I was on the other side.  This helps me to empathize with others more readily, acknowledge various points-of-view, and encourage dialogue instead of dictation.  As we are able to empathize more, the better our decisions become.

Do you battle with perfectionism?  How are some ways that you deal with your own weaknesses?  I'd love to hear them!

Life Anthems

Over the past couple of weeks, my thoughts have been a kaleidoscope of topics, and I've tried to see the pattern in the midst of the array of colors.  So instead of an organizing topic, I'll share with you some of my thoughts of late.  The results?  Just a couple of new life anthems.

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Currently, I'm reading two books:  Overwhelmed by Brigid Schulte and The Nesting Place by Myquillin Smith.  The first book speaks to the constant busyness and time deficit in which we Americans (specifically working mothers) are perpetually stuck.  The second book is a journey to finding beauty in the imperfect with home decorating, but the principles are leeching over into other areas of my life.

As a result, two sayings are on their way to becoming part of my life's anthem:

1)  Slay your own dragons.

Its very human to blame others for our current situations, solidifying our identity as "victim".  (Considering that Adam blamed Eve, Eve blamed the snake...)  But instead of succumbing to the role of damsel in distress waiting for the heroic prince, how about we get a little gumption, unsheathe our sword and get to work?  I'm mainly thinking about the dragons of fear, inadequacy, ambivalence, and comparison, but our "dragons" can represent anything that keep us from living at peace with what God has given us, creating a barrier to contentment and joy.  No more.  And if we get burned in the wake of its fire breath?  Fire refines and purifies precious metals, so see it as a bonus, not another avenue to victim-hood.  Now, as a disclaimer, I'm NOT saying that we don't need help at times; no man is an island.  I think the key is to do whatever we must to keep our dragons from dictating our lives, to be ruthless in protecting our choice to enjoy life right here, right now. 

2)  "It doesn't have to be perfect to be beautiful." - Myquillin Smith

I spoke to this some in my post about imperfections and now I'm even happier with my choice to not repair the dresser.  My personality errs on the side of perfection, waiting until everything is in place to act.  That way of thinking is often more of a hindrance than a show of prudence.  With perfection, I'm stagnant, waiting, waiting, until the perfect moment which never comes.  Life well lived requires some adventure, some risk, and some mistakes.  There is freedom knowing that God can create masterpieces from all the imperfect pieces of my jigsaw puzzle.  So, with wisdom and faith at the helm, I'm channeling my inner Bilbo Baggins (who also had a part in slaying dragons) and setting off on an adventure.  

Don't miss the view just because a piece is missing...

What's on your mind lately?  Do you have a take on either of these two anthems?

The Pursuit of Imperfections

We embarked on a journey to IKEA for new furniture. This wasn’t our first trip to the blue and yellow warehouse, so we knew what we were up against: pushing around multiple carts of cardboard-wrapped bundles followed by traumatic self-assembly of said bundles into furniture via cryptic instructions.

First time, shame on you.  Second time, shame on me.  Something about putting together a dresser from three flat packages of stained pine brings out your true self.  Beyond your ineptitude at solving puzzles, it reveals how patient and understanding you really are.

What happened?  We had our goods delivered on a Tuesday.  By the time D got home from work, I was already working on the frame of the dresser, so he proceeded with the task of constructing all the drawers.  Things were going slowly, but we were making progress.  One hour later, we were almost there – all that was left was to nail the back panel to the dresser and insert the drawers.  As I was nailing the panel, I noticed that it was more difficult than I expected and asked my husband to finish.  Many things were odd – he was having a hard time as well, not to mention the nails were going poking out the other end of the wood.  I know, I know, all signs point to “STOP!” but maybe our lack of dinner was getting the best of us.

Finally, all nails in place, we proceeded to insert the drawers only to find that they would not fit. 

“Did we put the tracks on correctly?”  I asked.

“Yep, they are on right.” He replied.

We pondered. We sighed.

“I know what’s wrong,” I said.  I felt the frustration swell, the anger build.  Tears started to fall.  “I put the panel on the FRONT of the dresser, not the BACK.”

A moment of silence.

He started, “How about you go ahead and get dinner going and I’ll start pulling out nails.”

“No, I made this mess and I’ll fix it.” 

He sighed and we started to undo the error.  He remained calm and showed no signs of anger (although I’m sure he was), while I threw a little temper tantrum.  I even hurt my thumb trying to remove those nails.  Finally, I gave up and started dinner.  Twenty minutes later, he finished and we sat down to eat.

During our meal, my caring husband said, “There’s a lesson in this somewhere.  Let’s hope we figure it out.”  (That's one wise man.)

The next day, I finished nailing the panel on the correct side (it was much easier this time), put in the drawers and looked in horror.  There were all these little nail holes on the entire perimeter of the dresser front.  

The inadvertently distressed dresser.  D says it adds character.

In my mind, I wanted it to be perfect, but in reality, it wasn’t.  I shared the story with my sister and she immediately suggested ways to patch the holes and paint them to blend with the rest of the wood.  (Thanks, sis, for not laughing.)  It was then that I realized what I was supposed to learn.

My lesson: nothing is "perfect".  We all live with imperfections.  Little holes poked into our armor.  Cracks formed under pressure.  Scratches left from frustration.  Wrinkles from a life lived.   It’s okay, perhaps even better, when things aren’t perfect.  That’s when character is formed, cured, and sharpened.  So, instead of working hard to patch up the holes, I’m going let those imperfections be reminders of my lesson learned (at least for now anyway) and build some character instead.  These imperfections will help me remember that indeed I’m perfectly, wonderfully made in the eyes of God.

The silver lining out of all of this:  I know my husband truly loves me and knows how to deal with me ever so gently.  He’s definitely more patient and understanding than I am!  Also, from now on we will hire someone to assemble any of our dressers or nightstands, for sanity’s sake.

On being mindful

It’s easy to get caught up in the moment, especially if you patiently waited for it to happen.  For me, the chance to get rid of the bachelor pad create a home that reflects both of us has queued for quite some time.  In preparation, we talked about our individual and collective preferences and from that information, I constructed a style that made the best of both worlds.  Understanding our budget, I scoured the internet, home furnishing stores, thrift stores, and discount stores looking for pieces of furniture that would work for us.

Once we knew what we wanted, we purchased.  Those moments were exhilarating and the results were exactly what we wanted.  At least initially.

However, what was once enough, became not enough.  In my mind, our place was still lacking.  It wasn’t full enough.  We needed more.  Another picture there.  More pillows here.  A different table.  Another table by the wall.  Suddenly, I saw more things to add without really having a need or use for them outside of “filling the space out.”

Before the initial changes, I was content with what we had.  I was content with less.  In fact, for every piece of furniture that we purchased, it served as a replacement, not an addition.  It was a part of our plan to keep the amount of things we owned to a minimum to make our future move a little more bearable.  But since we got something different, I thought we needed more to have ‘proper’ décor.

But alas, I had fallen victim to the monster of discontent (and a little thing called Pinterest).  I forgot what our goal was:  to be mindful of the things we brought into our home, making sure they added value to our lives.  Ideally, those things must meet two out of three criteria:  useful, meaningful, and beautiful, before they are brought into the home. 

But, Shara, you say, it’s a part of decorating!  Maybe for some, it is.  However, instead of curating our décor, I was simply adding to it, because I felt it looked better or because that’s what you’re supposed to do.  My dear friends, emotions will take you places you never intended to go (in this case, way overbudget for the diy-challenged).

So I took a step back and really thought about all these things that we "needed."  Mindful of our goals and intentions, I stopped searching for things to add, but looked at how complete it already was.  We lacked nothing of necessity, missing only items from fleeting whims or unfortunate trends.  That’s the stuff junk rooms are made of, right?

Will we have more in the future?  Probably.  But our desire is that each of those things will add true value, not the appearance of it, to our lives.  Until then, I remain mindful of what have now, happily enjoying our new digs.

Journal for Freedom

I love to journal.  Writing all my thoughts down is truly therapeutic.  Recently, I began to schedule time to journal at the end of each month as a way for me to track how I am changing, for better or for worse.  It’s fantastic.

Journaling takes me though the process of letting go and being completely honest – even if it hurts.  Within those pages, I allow myself to go through the full spectrum of emotion, from extremely happy to resentful and angry, but without judgment.   The words are a mirror into my soul and its true state, one that is both beautiful and ugly, seeking redemption and cleansing.

I journal because chaos sometimes reigns supreme inside my mind, when a jumble of thoughts leads down the rabbit hole to emotional paralysis.  On paper, my chaotic thoughts are forced into submission.  Eventually, clarity arises and the roots are uncovered.  A plan of attack forms, whether it’s to uproot, replant, weed, or just enjoy the view.

Sometimes, writing can be hard as it forces me to go into battle with the deepest and darkest parts of myself.  But, the things that are terrifying to say out loud can be easier to deal with once they are on paper.  Those things are no longer cooped up inside my mind, a big mess of feelings and dreams and regrets.  Now articulated, they are challenges, obstacles to overcome on my journey to emotional freedom.

Often times, my entries reflect my gratitude for everything God has given me, the good and the bad.  It becomes easier to find contentment when I start to reflect on everything that I have, the situations I made it though, and the lessons I learned.  With contentment, it makes it easier to be who God called me to be.

Yes, we have emotions, but we do not have to be ruled by them.  We can be free to love unconditionally and live contently.  Journaling helps me get there.

Choices

I found this quote on a bag of Celestial Seasonings tea.  It's a reminder that everything leads to something:  thoughts lead to actions, actions lead to habits, habits lead to character, and character dictates our life.  The choice is yours.